I find catharsis in writing this blog. Writing is an outlet for my creativity, but also my anger: yes, I said anger.
For the longest time I wasn’t angry with Pat and Ed – I just went on with my life. I am, in truth, a laid back ‘Live and Let Live’ kind of guy, so this is in keeping with who I am, but I’m finding more and more that righteous anger is also part of who I am.
I am not talking about the psychotic rage filled anger that comes with a bout of Major Clinical Depression – that kind of anger is unfounded, based in illness, and quite destructive.
This anger is quiet and unyielding, and it is more like well-controlled fury than simple anger – but it isn’t destructive, quite the opposite actually–most importantly, this anger is based in total wellness.
Of all the things Pat and Ed did to me, nothing is more profound, terrible and damaging than causing me to have Bipolar Disorder, Dysthymia, PTSD and Major Clinical Depression – and let’s not forget serious abandonment issues and anxiety.
As bad as it was, the abuse itself I was able to walk away from. I didn’t feel compelled to analyze and dig for deeper meaning. I didn’t assign it an active role in my adult life – it didn’t drive me toward anything, even understanding. I took my exit from Pat and Ed’s life and left it at that.
But now that I understand what they did, and what it caused, I am no longer able to simply close the door and walk away.
I have serious health concerns, and whereas I am completely well today, I wasn’t well for a long time–and there may come a time when I won’t be well again. Mental illness requires diligent care and management, I can’t NOT think about it – that would be catastrophic.
Writing requires me to think everything through completely – what I post here is the culmination of hours of cogitation, and I now know exactly why my therapist suggested that I keep a journal — through writing I have been forced to explore my feelings in-depth, and I’ve gotten in touch with myself; I am God damned mad at Pat and Ed.
It is morally bereft to hurt your child. It is reprehensible to allow someone else to hurt your child. It is small-minded and ignorant to assume there was no permanent damage done when you know your child was hurt. And it is weak and personally repugnant not to own and accept responsibility for what you did and what it caused, Pat and Ed.
It took me a long time to get here, to a place where I can think clearly about my childhood and its undeniable impact on my life. And to admit to being angry with anyone for anything is a very big and healing step for me; after all the pain my depressed anger caused my family, I vowed never to be angry again – with anyone, a promise I have kept for more than two years.
But some anger, I’ve learned [quite honestly just in the last few days] is good. It is cleansing and appropriate; it just, fair and right.
It is morally sound and acceptable for me to be angry with Pat and Ed – the monsters who are directly responsible for the illnesses that almost destroyed my life.