It’s Complicated Even Though it Should be Simple


When I was in my second year of college, I was in a car accident – the driver of the other car died.  I was speeding, and she ran a stop sign.

My injuries were serious, but not life threatening.  During my stay in the hospital, I was questioned by the police – and I told them the truth; I was speeding to an excessive degree.  My mother was with me at the time, and when the police left, she was upset because I had told them the truth – she told me I was honest to a fault, and berated me for not lying.

At the time, I didn’t think too much about my mother’s anger and disappointment with my honesty, but I have thought about it occasionally since then.

I have lived my life openly and honestly, and as a result my regrets are few.  I didn’t realize though, until I began this blog, exactly how important being a decent, honest person can be.   Aside from one family member on my father’s side, no one has questioned the truth in my story …

and accepting what is written here for the truth that it is has been costly;  I don’t think my mother will ever speak to my aunt again.

I don’t know which is more painful for Bev, being disowned by her big sister, or having to face the fact that her big sister isn’t who she believed her to be.  Either way, the last few months have been a painful chapter in my aunt’s life, and I care about that, even if Pat does not.

People who do not guard their integrity, who shout to the heavens, ‘I have no integrity,’ in the things they do, will be left with very little recourse when the truth comes out, and eventually it does come out.

The way in which my mother has lived her life only confirms the truth in my words – a truth she is too weak and cowardly to acknowledge …

Pat turned her back on her own sister because she couldn’t deal with Bev knowing the truth.  Pat seems to think out of sight is out of mind, and she also seems to think it is morally sound to apply this inane principle to people!

I don’t want admissions and apologies from my mother – I’ve said for the last thirty years I’d never be able to find sincerity in them even if they were offered.  I’d question her motivation and wonder what she was hoping to gain.  Sadly, this is the reaction she conditioned me to have …

My father said this blog is good, it opens people’s eyes to the horror of child abuse, shows them where it can lead and the pain it causes – not just for a moment, but for a life time.

My wife, who is also my editor, has come to an incredibly deep understanding through reading here.   It has been cathartic for her as well as for me …

so I know Silence Shattered is positive – a force for Good, and Truth …

but I also  know Good and Truth can be complicated, especially when you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t have the first clue what either of those words mean.

Reconciliation Update:


It all started last weekend, it was time to plan and book our next trip.

As my kids have grown up, I have learned that scheduling a family trip can be a daunting task — but I was determined, so we sat down with five different schedules and came up with a small block of time (read VERY small block of time) in which we were all available.

Destination and date chosen, Alaskan cruise in August,  it occurred to me that I wanted to spend some time with Ed; I wanted to reconnect completely – I wanted to be a family again.

This trip is special; it marks my daughter’s, – my my youngest child, eighteenth birthday, and her high school graduation … and I wanted my father to be part of it.

but I wasn’t sure Ed would say yes to my invitation …

So, I bet my wife dinner of the winner’s choice, prepared by the loser, that he would decline.

Her response, “YOU  will be making Osso Bucco with Parmesan Risotto, Caesar Salad and German Chocolate Cake …”

I emailed Ed, extending the invitation to be part of our family vacation.  OUR Family Vacation

And it turns out I will be making Osso Bucco with Parmesan Risotto, Caesar Salad and German Chocolate Cake – but not just for my wife; Ed and Marie are coming, too.

I will also be brewing some Blackberry Beer to celebrate the evening …

We have two visits planned for March – attending performances of Sweeney Todd and Disney’s Mulan, both of which my daughter is in, and in April my sons, father and I are participating in a poker tournament together …

It’s all going very, very well.