I have been stable for a long time now – years really. Oh, I’ve had bouts with insomnia, and cycles in which stress and fatigue caused my Bipolar symptoms to recur, but I’ve caught it early and those symptoms were, for the most part, very mild. No psychosis, no deep depression, no impulsive behavior. If you just met me, and didn’t know I have Bipolar Disorder, nothing about your interaction with me would tip you off.
I am not a spontaneous person by nature, and I over think everything; logical almost to a fault, my emotions seldom get the better of me. I almost never react in the moment.
But when Ed-the-Narcissist sent me the following note – prompting the ensuing exchange – on April 3rd, during the height of my sister’s most recent crisis, something inside me snapped:
I said I would go and see Elizabeth after Easter, but for got [sic] I had a jury summons for this week and have been selected to be on a jury expected to last up to 6 weeks.
I will get over to see her when I can, and wanted you to know my current limitations.
There was absolutely no expectation on my part that you would reach out to Elizabeth in any that matters; you are a coward, you have always been a coward. You have not changed.
Jury duty? In what universe are you a representative of another’s peers? Who the hell are you to sit in judgement of anyone else’s behaviour or choices? Are juries now comprised of criminals?
My God, Ed … for once, just once, really look at yourself.
I have no answer for this, The court system has privy to criminal records, so between them and the DMV jurors are reveiwed [sic] and selected.
And I am still in the jury selection process.
The last word:
Once again, you miss the point entirely. I was not speaking of legality, I was speaking of morality – very different things. You are able to exist as you do in society today ONLY because of when you were convicted, and expungement. Nothing will ever alter the fact that you are a rapist and child abuser, Ed. Nothing.
Your daughter is ill, she will likely die, because of what you did to her. The fact that you feel no obligation to face that within yourself speaks volumes about your character … today. Your refusal to reach out to her in any way that matters makes you a coward – and far worse.
No decent human being would condone your behaviour, then … or now.
I haven’t heard from him since …
His immoral and egocentric choices didn’t trigger me – I didn’t get sick; I didn’t become depressed or manic – just irrevocably resigned to his complete lack of integrity, honor and character. He no longer has the power to cause me even a moment’s instability, and that’s a damn good thing for me to know.
I didn’t say anything to him that isn’t true, but I’d like to have been able to say it devoid of anger and frustration; you can’t win a battle, much less a war, with a narcissist – and I understand that now. Anger and frustration have passed; lesson learned.
He will die without ever understanding …
and that no longer bothers me.