Thoughts At The End

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me to know that Ed got away with child abuse, rape and God alone knows what else, but it is less important than it once was.  In some small way, knowing the people he has fooled into believing he is a good and decent human being – the people who are, in reality, nothing more to him than props necessary to support his own self-delusion, know the truth.  They. Know. The. Truth …

what they do about that is their concern.

I’ve been silent for a few months, taking stock and reflecting.  That I saved all of Ed’s email, and thus his admissions that every word of this blog is, indeed, truth gives me an almost unimaginable upper-hand.

And yet, I don’t feel any sort of closure or relief.  At the end of the day, he proved me right; People Don’t Change – that is not solace.  He knows what he did, but he doesn’t know, or care, what it caused … how deep and dark the abyss he left his children in really is.

And when the chips were down, when he could have found redemption, he turned his back on all responsibility for who he is, and what he’s done, in favor of a life that is nothing more than a cover-up, and lie.  No father – no decent man does this.

So when you read this, and I know you will, remind yourself that while he appeared to be protecting you – the only person he was protecting was himself.

Relevant Commentary

Pieces of Bipolar left the following comment for me earlier in the week …it was left in response to this post.

 

“You are so right. When Ed talks, he’s just saying the words. There is no shame, regret, remorse. As you say, he feels nothing. I will never be able to understand people who feel nothing.

Ed seems always to have an agenda. Nothing is done unless it serves HIM. I don’t believe his mercy and tenderness towards Janet was honest and true. My personal view is he was acting in order to manipulate, make himself look good. Spot on with believing his bullshit. It’s a fact that if someone is a compulsive liar, they come to believe their own falsehood.

The lack of feeling, the manipulation lead me to think, could Ed possibly be a sociopath? I know that’s a hefty word, but it would explain a lot.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/confessions-sociopath – I’ve actually read the whole book Confessions of a Sociopath. Its a free download. But I forget the site.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath – You would know best the traits they list.

Stay strong, Tim”

 

Sociopath, it is a hefty word indeed …

When I was inpatient, part of my therapy included creating psychological profiles of my parents; Father with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Sociopathic Tendencies;  mother a Narcissist with Borderline Personality Disorder.  Of course these are just profiles, not intended to be accurate diagnosis, but they did help me to see and understand a great deal about the people who raised abused me.

Our  personalities, neurosis and psychopathy can be reduced to a list of traits, and defined by abusive behavior toward our children or others.

CC pointed out in her comments that a true sociopath would, when pressed to feel something as I have pressed Ed, mimic feelings – and could likely do so convincingly; Ed hides behind platitudes and the superficial … different, and so odd.

Yet, in keeping with the idea of Sociopathic Tendencies, I see no remorse, no shame, no regret – it’s like when I was a little boy  pleading with him not to beat me – a scene he repeated over and over again throughout my childhood; the screaming, the begging him not to hurt me, the obvious fear; he felt nothing then and he feels nothing today … when pressed to feel, he can’t.

People who can’t feel scare the hell out of me – given my background this will likely never change.  Which is why I need to know how he feels today about the man he was then …

If he is different, as he says he is, he needs to feel something about what he did and what it caused — and he needs to share it with me.